I often think that I'd like to record some of my more personal thoughts/feelings on my blog, just to get them out in the open and have somewhere to "vent". But I usually think twice about it because I am not sure I want everyone to really know what is going on in my head. Or in my life, for that matter. Truth be told-I don't want everyone to know that I am not a perfect person. (I hear your thoughts now-"Anna, I never thought you were perfect...")
So here I go. I am not perfect. I used to be, but I am not anymore. I am unperfect. (Okay, so really, I was never perfect, but I find myself all too often thinking "but I used to be able to read my scriptures for 20-30 minutes everyday!" or "but I used to be a good people person!" etc, etc.)
But I feel bold tonight. I will probably regret this in the morning, but by then this will be posted. (But then I guess I could delete it...) I feel empowered by the book that I am reading, "The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance" by Elna Baker. Some of you might be offended if you read it, but I absolutely love it. I love that she is honest and forward and frankly, herself. I could ramble on about the many laughs I have had already from the first 100 pages of the book, but I will move forward to the purpose of my post. Admitting my imperfection. Or rather, my unperfection.
I have a 2 year old. I don't need to say much more about my life, because he defines me right now. I think he has an extra bad case of the terrible twos. I know most moms probably think that about their first child, but I really think he is worse than most. It's only been the last few days that he has been over the top. I have cried every day. And I am not pregnant, so I can't even use that as an excuse. (Though I guess I am nursing...)
Tonight, as he was sitting in his chair screaming for the 100th time (you think I am exaggerating to make this post more funny, but I guarantee that I am not) in the last 36 hours that his Nemo band-aid went down the drain (yes, it happened yesterday morning and he has not stopped crying about it since), I asked him, very calmly I might add, "Do you want to die?"
He didn't answer, and I honestly forgot that I had said it. But he did not forget. 2 year olds never forget. Joshua never forgets. 5 minutes later, Justin was asking him what he wanted for dinner.
Justin: "Joshua, do you want spaghetti O's? Mommy made you spaghetti O's!" (See, I am even admitting to feeding my child spaghetti O's for dinner! I really am feeling bold!)
Joshua: "No!"
Justin: "Well, what do you want?"
Joshua: "Die!"
Oh dear. I wish he was old enough to understand the phrase "just kidding". Now every time we sit up for dinner, he will ask to die. Oh dear, dear, dear. Good moms don't threaten their children with death over the dinner table, do they? Me=definitely unperfect. Good thing there is tomorrow.
February and March
3 weeks ago
13 comments:
Dearest Anna,
First of all you are not the only one whose kids has repeated the whole dieing thing Eli did it and to make matters worse Micah asked wonder where he got that from :( . Being a mom is super hard with no break and really nothing back except for the ocassional hug in between the crying on the floor over something that no one can control. I cried alot with eli and sariah. Everyday how am I supposed to teach them to be patient loving kind etc. when I am ready to flip a lid and scream and cry and throw a tantrum myself. I hope you don't regret this post because i understand completely. I wish I had suggestions other then think of this part as the survival years you don't have to thrive right now you just have to survive. HUGS Dollie if you need anything email me.
Anna!! Gosh, there are some days that I wonder why I even bothered to have kids. Gratefully, they're rare, but I know what you mean. Greta is at a stage in her life right now that I don't even know what to do with her. She's mouthy and sassy and a tantrum thrower in her heart and soul. Being a mom is a rough, rough world. I'll never be the perfect mom but I hope when my kids are older they'll know I was just trying my best. Hope you feel better!
Oh Anna, I think we are all unperfect. I can see quickly where Bennett is heading toward that stage. Just think, eventually they will grow out of this and one day have kids of their own to throw even bigger tantrums.
For the record, Joshua has only requested "Die" for dinner that one time. It hasn't become an everyday request, contrary to Anna's fears. And even though Anna may tell you otherwise, I think she's pretty much perfect... :) But I also think being perfect and being unperfect are pretty compatible.
Oh Anna! I can't tell you (aka I should never admit) how many times I have asked my own children that very same question. Only I wasn't kidding! I have also threatened to kick their butt hard enough to make it fall off and fly into the next state. I've also threatened to rip their arms off and beat them with the bloody stumps. You're not so bad, huh?
Hang in there. The hard times pass and the good times come again. It's that stupid circle of life.
Love you guys!!!
Anna Jane-- you are fantastic. I LOVE that you are loving Baker's book. I love that you are so honest. I'm sorry things have been hard. If I was there or you were here, we would go on a long drive. You are a GREAT mom and one of my heroes. My life has been profoundly affected by you. Thanks for everything. Happy Birthday!
I'm sorry if maybe this isn't the most appropriate response, but I laughed and laughed when I heard Joshua requesting to die! I'm 99% sure he won't be scarred for life, so you shouldn't be either. Good luck and know that every other person with a toddler wholly supports you!
Anna, you are so cute! Once when Meg (my oldest) was two and acting two at the grocery store a man about my dad's age was watching and laughing. He told me, "Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own kids." My answer? "Ok, but how does that help me NOW?" :)
Bah! haha. Sitting in my childless apartment on the other side of the continent, I find your story very funny. I mean it in the way that it's just a really great story. It'll be a good one to recall when he's older, I suppose.
I hear you sister.I have more of those kinds of days than I have of good days. It's hard to "keep up" on all of the good things you should be doing, or even finding the motivation to do it! I know you feel alone - that your child is the only one who is really terrible- but we all feel that way- we're just not always willing to admit it!
Oh, Miss Anna!! I know this is a couple of months old, but I just read it and feel the need to comment! Welcome to Motherhood!! I am so proud of you and your need to you feel bold!! I find all too often that some are not honest with themselves and believe they or their children can do no wrong and are indeed perfect! I commend you on being honest with yourself and everyone else! These moments happen to every mother and only the BOLD are open and honest about it! Thank you for being you! I have more then one time offered my children Speghetti O's for dinner and don't think twice about it. Keep up the boldness! I love you, sister friend!!! And as always..."Pray about it Sister!" It is sometimes all we can do!!
All my love!!
Sarah
I wish I had suggestions other then think of this part as the survival years you don't have to thrive right now you just have to survive.
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